A name is a knife and a lovers caress, sharp and shiny, soft and sweet. To name is to hold and to be held. Your hand in your grandmothers. Can a sound be a name? Can a touch be?
The name is a container. Not being able to say the name of your closed one, a curse of mine. A wild plant. The ultrasonic scream the plants gives away when they need water, when they are picked or hurt and cut. Ultrasonic sounds. The name of you. I whisper it under the blanket, I practice everyday to say your name. To hold it in between my lips and vocal chords. Sometimes the name just comes out like sound, like a shapeless blurb. Like a ultrasonic scream that needs the ears of machines or other plants to be recognized. Did you know that plants listen to? Through the vibrations they can hear the running water of a lake.
Okay but then you gave me tjeburashka, who is lying next to me right now, whose name I struggle to say to. Tjeburashkas eyelids are heavy, sleepy I think. You told me he is a rebel, a guerrilla, a armed fighter for the revolution. A companion for me to hold the hand of when you are not there anymore. You were always upfront about that, that you would be gone soon. Prepared me for it.
M. You were hiding potatoes under the bed, was it to keep the bed warm or to keep the potatoes warm? Or was it both?
A. I went to the supermarket yesterday where you always shopped, I remember the dill and the tea in the plate with the sugar-cube in it.
R. You would sleep for three four hours in the night and then go to the theater and sleep there. You snored so loudly, I poked you constantly when you would bring me along.
I. Once my job was to distract you on new years when my father had to climb out of the window from the 5th floor because he had forgotten the key somewhere. I was doing cartwheels and funny faces and you were laughing and applauding.
A. You were never allowed to watch his movies, they were too violent. But you came to all my shows. With your finest coat. But sometimes it would remind you of the theater so you would fall asleep. Afterwards you told me it was the best thing you ever seen, and the best sleep of your life.