It was not that my doubt had disappeared, rather the function in my brain that administers self-examinatory operations like doubt was shut down momentarily. While boldly letting my fingers follow muscles and veins under the ivory surface of his skin, reason left us alone for once, and all that was were bodies infused with the ambiguous nature of desire. All around our forceful collision, I could hear the light footsteps of fauns and faeries dancing, as if they were watching us, as if their graceful movements were following ours, as if they knew of our existence at all. In the midst of it, the thought of letting go of his gaze was excruciating and painful, like standing at the foot of a mountain knowing that you cannot rest until you reach the very top. Sweat was breaking out at my eyebrow, blurring my sight, adding to the dizziness of falling into someone and exploring the uncharted territory of the other. There is a freedom in seeing your hands moving as if not belonging to you, and in being necessarily ignorant of any consequences their actions might have. There are consequences though. You do not know them yet and you cannot think of any way to care. While reason is on hold, so is the future.
Afterwards, we lay silent, the grass itching on our skin and a feeling of awkwardness on our lips. There is no other phenomenon in life other than desire that is so in the moment that when it passes, there is barely a trace of it left. What was just a few seconds ago the only focus of our burning hearts, suddenly feels distant and slightly naive. I wanted to leave him there without saying a word, with firm steps and no regret, but knew that I wouldn’t dare. I have never been comfortable when words are lacking and moments like these has always been suffocating to me. The color of the sky was slowly changing, a testimony of the approaching dawn.