If i had (game)

If I had a flipflop, I would use it to slap my sworn enemy in the face, thus challenging him to a duel.

Word: Strawberry

If I had a strawberry, I would give it to all of the poor, and they would praise me.

Word: Television

If I had a television I would use it to probe and transmit the visions of all my friends so that our dreams would become a new reality!

Word: Orchid

If I had an orchid I would dip its little white petals in thick red paint and make the white haired ladies around my table gasp.

Word: Teacup

If I had a teacup I would fill it with birdseed, and lure the swallows into my garden.

Word: Rapier

If I had a rapier I would arm Geoffrey with it so he could face the monsters on the street and finally get that…

Word: Pizza

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If i had a pizza i would whisper secrets to it at night, underneath the blanket with a flashlight. I would write poetry that goes “underneath your clothes” mushrooms, tomatosaus, cheese “there’s an endless story”.

Word: Boob

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If I had one boob, I would balance it up with heavy thoughts, hefty imaginations and light fantasies so that I could run through your mind without being lopsided.

Word: candle

If I had a candle I could finally get some damn light in this musty basement, and fix the god-forsaken rattling in the pipes that keeps me up, sounding as it does like that filthy old woman, whining and wailing even more than she did during her miserable life.

Word: Balance beam

If I had a balance beam I would stretch it across from my cot to yours, and upon its length roll to you the little rounds of shortbread that melt on your tongue and turn to a viscous paste which should, with luck, seal your gaping maw shut.

Word: bottle cap

If I had a bottle cap to place on the last requiring block of my makeshift checkers board, I would ponder the rewards of patience and wait for a worthy adversary.

Word: wand

If I had a wand I would slice it in two lengthways to find the magic.

Word: ingot of gold

If I had an ingot of gold I would… I don’t know, do you smelt such things? Though I had also heard that gold is soft, like putty in your hands, so perhaps instead I would warm it and stroke it, and keep it as the most wonderful pet rock.

Word: kaleidoscope

If I had a kaleidoscope I would use it to see the world for what it really is.

Word: true love

If I had a true love I would lose it to know that I had had it.

Word : False love

If I had False Love I would claim to love your mother though I don’t. I’m over it.

Word: Ferver

If I have ferver I would remove vowels like wings from an insect so O and U would be lost to intense and passionate feeling.

Word : Parlour

If I had a parlor I would invite all of the Amur Leopards, Mountain Gorillas, Black Rhinoceros, Lemurs, Northern right whales, Siberian tigers, Dodo birds and Leatherback sea turtles for a final tea-party.

Word: Mid life crisis


If I had a mid-life-crisis, then I would do it in style. I’d forgo all the traditional avenues such as dating someone who could have been my child, buying a car outside of my means or travel the world on brittle airways.

No, I’d build a secret granite tower in the woods. Each stone carved with runes of power before set in place and mortared. I’d make the inside walls into shelves and stock them up with all the books I’ve ever intended to read. And then string a hammock to hang in the middle.

Word: Harp

If I had a harp, I would serenade you in your freak tower.

Word: prison

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